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Mandelson – Wanker (the sequel)

Hannah Rothschild’s first screenplay was entitled Wanker, which was the story of a student sperm donor whose progeny tried to find their father — the rights were bought by Ridley Scott. As a director, her latest documentary is Mandelson: The Real PM? If you missed it when it was broadcast last November on the BBC, you might want to know that it will shortly be available to buy.

It was really rather good — “hideously compelling” as the Sunday Times rather accurately put it. We don’t often agree with Jerry Hayes, but this time he put it pretty well:

the remarkably revealing, fly-on-the-turd psychomentary by the gloriously talented Hannah Rothschild, don’t despair, the boy will be back in town on DVD in full Slimeorama on 19th September….

The trouble is he is so vain he didn’t realise he was behaving like a Pope dispensing his infallible wisdom to the terrified serfs whom he treated with the distain he no doubt thought they were grateful for.

Of course, you don’t get the Dark Lord actually saying what he really thinks. You have to fill that in yourself. David Stubbs in the Guardian has fortunately provided us with some clues:

SAYS (of Tony Blair): “He’s an effective politician. That’s why I love him so much.”
THINKS Odious little tick. Call me imperious, would you? If my grandfather knew his party would someday be led by some rictus-grinning smarmbucket whose only political ambition was to spend his summer holidays with Cliff Richard, he’d be vomiting in his grave.

SAYS “Nobody tolerates bullying in this government. ”
THINKS Whoever leaked this is going to get theirs tonight round the back entrance of No 10 where it’s nice and quiet and there’s no parents or teachers around. Fight! Fight! Fight!

SAYS (to Kenneth Clarke): “You’re a wonderful ex-chancellor, as you keep reminding us.”
THINKS Shut your ruddy piehole, Hush Puppies; you’re a fat disgrace. You had your turn screwing it up, now it’s our turn to do the same.

SAYS (of Gordon Brown) “He’s a one-off. He’s not like anyone else. That’s the public’s problem with him. They can’t put him in a category.”
THINKS I know what category I’d put him in. It’s Category A and it’s got lots of bars. He shouldn’t be allowed out of a straitjacket if you ask me.

SAYS “I know everything. You guys have always underestimated me.”
THINKS And when I say I know everything, I am being quite literal, chum. I am your All Seeing Dark Lord. Nought escapes my gimlet eye, none my wrath. I have risen twice, I shall rise thrice.

SAYS (of the leak, from within Labour, that led to his second resignation from government): “To be perfectly frank, it doesn’t really interest me to go into it. It’s water under the bridge. A closed door.”
THINKS Every name, from the last junior aide to the big man at the top who authorised and orchestrated on my downfall is etched, inscribed on the memory stick that now resides where once was my soul. I will be avenged. Oh, it’s water under the bridge, all right. Water that will someday be flowing with the blood of my enemies.

SAYS “I’m a professional politician, I’m not some sort of mannequin.”
THINKS A mannequin has some human qualities, in resemblance at least. I have none. All traces of humanity have been dashed out of me. I have been betrayed, cast down too many times. But now I am your Lord and I will have my vengeance on you all.

SAYS (in the film): “Is that it? Is there anything else you want to ask?”
THINKS I’ve suffered your probing impertinence for weeks now and I’m half an inch from the end of my tether. You’d better quit while I haven’t pulled your head off its roots, lady. This film had better be good. And it’d better not have that bit in where I slag off Gordon’s ability to wear a tie. Or footage of when I had a moustache. Look, it was a mistake, right? Period. Zero. That’s it, OK?

One Comment

  1. Claire Khaw says:

    Two Tragic Mistakes by Mandy:

    If only he had joined the Conservative Party, he would be PM by now.

    If only he had not allowed himself to have been kicked upstairs and given up his seat in Hartlepool, he would be PM by now.

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