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Between frenemies: what are those British values anyway?

Frenemies Cameron and GoveAs the fiasco over Birmingham’s schools continues, what’s really going on in Whitehall? As “overheard” by JON STUBBINGS

Cameron: Now then Michael – what’s all the fuss about this school in Birmingham? I thought you hated Muslims.

Gove: Yes David, of course I do – you know that I’ve turned down way more applications to open Free schools by Muslim groups than those by Christians or Jews – and haven’t you read my book ‘Celsius 7/7’ in which I prove beyond all historical doubt that the world is divided up into goodies and baddies and that Muslims are trying to take over everything, aided and abetted by bleeding-hearted left wing liberals.

Cameron: Yes yes – but why did you take your eye off the ball with this bloody school?

Gove: I’m sorry – but perhaps you don’t realise just how many Free schools and Academies we’re running from Whitehall now. And besides – I really want them to work – it’s our only chance of breaking up the whole state system and subjecting it to the cleansing forces of the free market.

Cameron: Hmm…you are a little too ideological for my taste – shows a lack of breeding perhaps. But what are we going to do to clean up the mess?

Gove: I have a cunning plan. Let’s turn the ‘trojan horse’ around and use the whole thing as a way of forcing through the teaching of ‘British values’ in British schools.

Cameron: Great idea – that might get some voters back from UKIP…but err…what are these ‘British values’ exactly?

Gove: Don’t worry David – they are whatever my gut feeling tells me they are – I can make a list – and didn’t you see the Daily Mail yesterday? It condemned the fact that the ‘Segregation of boys and girls was enforced’ in the ‘trojan horse’ Muslim schools.

Cameron: OK – great – so our core British value is co-education – mixing up the genders. And integration – no more of this sticking together with people of one religion. Hurrah! By the way, what school is your daughter going to next year Michael?

Gove: Err…Greycoats…it’s an all girls Church of England school. What school did you go to David?

Cameron: Err…yes OK. Point taken Michael. Maybe it’s back to the drawing board on that one – but let’s keep up the focus on nasty Muslims in the meantime – have a word with our chaps at The Mail, The Express, The Telegraph and the Sun – it distracts people from all the other things we’re doing for our old school chums and financial backers.

Gove: Yes sir. Consider it done.

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